Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in smilebandit's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
10:15 am	And now I am 27. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 24th, 2007
2:24 pm	Skiing I ride waves of discomfort Warm and soft, they envelop me when I sink. I ride waves of despair They are unexplained turbulence, from time to time. I explain to you patiently, your caution flag waving, I’ve collapsed in the lake and I can admire my wake. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 25th, 2006
1:14 pm	Merry X-Mas Yes, I mean X. Or Happy Holidays, take your pick. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 24th, 2006
1:23 pm	I'm finding it so hard to describe my feelings right now. I don't just feel like laying down and sitting still...I feel like going backwards. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:18 am	Blue Law It's good that today is Sunday and that tomorrow is a holiday. I have two full days to get my head straight. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:53 am	Party Boy My brain exhausts me. I need to go to the psychiatrist and try some meds. I know, I know... I just don't think it's normal to have to think about when the right moment to speak is. I don't think it's normal to wonder if you're sitting the "right" way in a chair. I don't think it's normal to question where you should look in a room. What's normal? What's wrong? I've been living this way for too many years. I'm tired and I need a rest. I used to be able to come home and drink 6 or 7 drinks, at the end of which I would forget what the big deal was to begin with. Now I'm home and I just want to cry because I feel like I fucked up. My entire social life feels like one mistake after another. I don't think it's normal. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 18th, 2006
1:19 pm	Straight A's again this semester. Score! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 27th, 2006
9:55 am	American Cities That Best Fit You:: 70% New York City 60% Chicago 55% Philadelphia 45% Atlanta 45% Boston Which American Cities Best Fit You? (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
12:24 am	I've rarely been so hurt in my life... Alright - here's the quick background. I wrote a poem called "I Say" back when I was like 17. My performer friend Lennon turned it into a song, but she changed a few words. This song sat on her "shelf" for years. She finally released this song on her new album that got released a month ago. I went to her show tonight and asked for a copy of the CD. She said I was going to be mad and that the printer had made a mistake. They had left off my name from the song. I was like, "That's alright, it happens." When I get home, I open up the liner notes and it has the song credited NOT ONLY TO LENNON but to Lennon and Anthony Battaglia. I'm like WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY? Now he's in there as one of the writers but I'm not? Replacing me is so much worse than accidentaly leaving me off. Just because I'm suspicious - I get on ASCAP and do a search and sure enough the Copyright is registered to Lennon and Anthony Battaglia. OMG! The fucking plot thickens. What the Jesus? How does that happen accidentally? Then I get on her website and, yet again, he is listed as the cowriter. In not one, but two fucking places on the website. I have a damned hard time believing that this was accidental. What's the fucking motivation? I didn't want any money. Those are my words. Those are my thoughts - my emotions. What a violation. You can steal my material possessions, but to steal my soul? How can I forgive that? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
6:57 pm	I found an old friend on MySpace today. I'm talking we were friends when I was in middle school. I messaged him and I really hope he messages back. I'm hopeful...what does it mean when I can't remember if we parted on good terms or bad? Am I really that volatile? (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
9:36 am	Burning Time I'm waiting to leave for class and I'm really starting to feel that familiar sting of being so busy. I really hate my life when I'm like this. I feel like something has to give. School already gave a little this semester. I keep promising myself that school will never give, it will always be work, but then when it comes down to it I can't let my work down. Why? The more I think about it, the more I think I should leave after January. I know that this goes against what I promised Jennifer, but I think she would understand. If I gave my notice relatively soon, it would be fine because we would have plenty of time to find a replacement. My braces come off on December 6th. I'm very excited. I've only had them on since March, so this is fantastic progress. Originally, the orthodontist had thought it would take a year and a half to which I asked if we could push up the adjustment schedule. He agreed to an adjustment every 4 weeks (he normally does an adjustment every 8), but still thought it would take about a year. Well, lo and behold here I am and I'm getting them off after only 9 months. I couldn't be happier and I've accomplished what I've been working toward for so long. However, this is part of the reason I'm thinking it would be safe to move on to another job. I was going to stay until the summer thinking that I would need to keep my insurance for the braces, but now that they are coming off, this seems unnecessary. I think I have alot to think about. I know it stresses Jennifer out when I speak this way, but I think I need to include her in my thought process too...it's only fair. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
3:57 pm	Lying in bed with you with cool comfort between us I put my hand on your chest and appreciate the gentle thunder within it. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
7:08 pm	If this moment is perfect like a portrait then this moment can be my heaven. If this heaven is too hasty then I’ll descend. Perspective is passing and heaven and hell can be the same space. If this space is too simple then I’ll descend. Position is punch-drunk and Heaven and hell are confused. If descending is deranged then I’ll ascend. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
2:01 am	Impressions from The Video 3: Easter We’re searching for easter eggs outside.             You are lying on the couch with pain. Laughing, we jump and roll in the grass.             You stare at the floor, scared of the future.   Later, it is dark outside and we prepare for bed.             You stroke Connie’s hair and sing Rumpelstilskin. Everyone gathers around you like a warm fire.             You comfort us with your smile and speak sweetly.   In the morning, we are still consummate children.             You are getting older by the second. We play with your Lady Finelle lipsticks.             You used to get mad at this, but now you laugh.   We run through the house and yard, unaware of the time.             You think long about this time and make hard decisions. We live our last moments of innocence in ignorance.             You live your last moments in the bliss you made for yourself,             before you go to the heaven                         you couldn’t believe could be better. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
9:20 am	I had a night out last night and pretended that I wasn't as busy as I am. We went to the Cheesecake Factory with two of my coworkers and, of course, I had the most delicious cheesecake in the world. Yum! My favorite. Travis had to go home to work on a care plan, but Jennifer, Cindy, and I went to see Jackass Two. It was very funny and a little sad and pathetic. Alot entertaining. I got home at around 10pm and had to finish a response to an essay, but then I got to spend the next couple of hours relaxing and watching TV. What a fun day! I'm about to get ready for school. I have a quiz in History 1020 and hopefully I do well on that. I'm really looking forward to History 4620 today because we should be getting back our midterm exams...yipee! I love getting grades back, though I'm a little nervous because I'll be devastated if I get a low grade...I know, that's the Ryan I know and love. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
1:40 pm	Impressions from The Video 2: Spheresong Song of the Spheres. That warm July afternoon. When the window opened and you flew out of the room. Crystalline Spheres of stars. It was my time to understand that every moment leading to this was so incidental, and             I spent my seventh birthday there.             I spent the next eight years there.             I experienced my first heartbreak there.             The earth shook for me there.             But, truthfully, you weren’t with me. Aristotle spoke of Spheres. So much ancient wisdom, leading to that one moment of their convergence, which brought me to my knees. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 2nd, 2006
11:56 pm	Alcoholics Admission I quit drinking 69 days ago, as of a few minutes ago. It's hard to describe what that means to me as I wasn't entirely candid about my alcohol dependence to alot of people for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I was always self-effacing and realized that I was an alcoholic for the last 5 years. What's interesting is that I never really imagined that I would quit. My life was fully under control - I had a great relationship, I had a great job, I was in school. My life was together and I was fine. But then I started to think...this will be the death of me. Every drink that is rotting my liver and poisoning my body. Do I want to drink until I'm 30? 40? 60? I couldn't imagine myself drinking a bottle of wine every night for the next X number of years. My bottom, however high, was that I got home from work and started drinking. I had meant to eat something for dinner, but I got involved with playing a game and forgot. Of course, needless to say, I didn't forget to keep drinking, and drinking, and drinking. I don't remember going to bed that night and I woke up in a panic. Had I made Travis carry me to bed because I was so irresponsible that I couldn't remember to feed myself? I decided that morning that I never wanted to wake up with that fear again. I poured out the rest of my wine and haven't had a drink since. I packed up all of my supplies the other day: my wine glasses, my cocktail glasses, my shot glasses. This was cathartic. I'm proud of myself. I'm humbled. I'm a better person and I'm getting better every day. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
1:25 pm	Impressions from The Video 1: Knob I’m chewing gum like an idiot. There’s me and the grain of the video. I’m looking at you and looking at my mom. My sister is sitting on your death bed. There is a strange light coming from the stark white hospital window. I’m chewing gum like an idiot. I’m acting retarded, and I don’t know that this moment is profound. This moment is life-changing. In my memory, this moment is cloudy. I remember looking at a knob on your bed, And not much more. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
12:09 pm	Sue me...I'm melancholic I've always had this feeling. It drifts in and out, never too far from the forefront of my thoughts. Put simply, I feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm undeserving of my grades, my promotions, my very life. When I get recognized for something at work, I feel like it's only a matter of time until they find out that I'm not as good as they once thought. I feel like it's only a matter of time until they realize that I'm shit. When I get A's, I don't feel smart...I feel lucky. My interactions with people feel, so often, forced. I feel like I can barely keep it together sometimes. I want to scream in their face. I want to scream that they're shit and I'm shit and everything's shit. I bite my tongue and make small talk instead. I'm one big bag of water and reflexes that happens to look human. It's a cover for the nothing beneath. This is a feeling that I've always had. It drifts in and out, so I know it will drift out again. I suppose I just have to be a bag of water and patience. Current Mood: melancholy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 18th, 2005
8:51 pm	Dee Dee Key I'm sitting on this couch in perfect silence, except for two crickets that I can hear just outside the window. It's deadly quiet and I find myself resisting the urge to turn on the television so I don't feel quite so lonely. Everywhere I look I see spots where something is missing. I woke up this morning to Heather crying into her telephone. She sobbed something about Dee Dee and I couldn't go back to sleep on account of my heart pounding in my chest. I looked at Travis, sleeping soundly, got up, and crept out of the room. I was greeted by Dee Dee's laborious breathing and I knew at once, as well as if I had known it forever, that this would be the day that Dee Dee died. Although we originally discussed taking her in tomorrow to put her to sleep, after Heather left for work, and Dee Dee began lifting her head to take giant gulps of air, I started to call animal hospitals. After several calls, I found a place that was open on Sunday and could euthanize Dee Dee for $40 dollars. Just as I was about to call Heather to suggest that she come home to help us, she walked in the door. Suddenly, with everything in place, no further excuses, and Dee Dee's clear discomfort gasping at us from the corner, we somberly prepared to take her south on Interstate 65 to her death. Heather carried her the whole way. I couldn't help but remark, internally, that Heather is always so strong when she needs to be, yet so weak when it's not required. She cried in the backseat, and I drove, all frowns and furrows, in the front. We arrived, filled out the proper paperwork, and collectively stared at Dee Dee, hoping for a quick ending. We weren't present for the procedure, and I pray that Dee Dee wasn't aware enough to tell one way or the other. I can't help but pray that she didn't think that everyone had abandoned her at her final moments. Left to sit in the waiting room, I stared at the examination room door wondering which moment was Dee Dee's last. Is she dead now? Is she dead now? Is she dead now? It was only here, waiting and knowing that I would never see Dee Dee alive again, that I began to cry. Finally, when the doctor opened the door to welcome another patient in, I knew that it had been one of the countless moments before. It was over. We claimed Dee Dee on the side of the building. Travis greeted the doctor at the door and she gave him a black trash bag that contained her remains. It was a little shocking (we were told she would be placed in a box), but inconsequential. We brought her home. I said my final last goodbye. Heather's dad came and got her and promised us that he would bury her with one of her babys. We spent several minutes deciding which one would be best, finally deciding on the Koala Bear. She loved this stuffed animal because, in the beginning, it had contained a voice box that cried. She devoured the animal until it no longer cried, and I'd like to think that it always gave her comfort. I know it isn't going to give her comfort in death, but I find it comforting that it's next to her. We kept several of her other babys for the house. Heather's dad drove off with her, and she was gone from my life. And I'm going to miss her. Terribly. (Comment on this)